Rob’s 2012 Growler Review and Scouting Report
I’m sorry this is so late but there are over 100 Springdale players in the field this year and after five years there are only so many times I can make fun of someone for being short or so many different ways to say that when driving in his convertible Chris Stanley looks like an elderly, emaciated, homosexual Magnum P.I. It takes a lot more creativity and as you know I try to be subtle.
Before I begin this year’s report I would like to mention that last year there were people who got their feelings hurt by some of the things I said. So anyway moving on…
Volleywood (3-0)
Rob Rauth let all of Springdale down last year when he stacked a team and then failed to bring The Growler trophy home. He made some slight modifications this year including making Jason the faux-captain. Jason has yet to make anyone on his team cry this year but of course he wasn’t there Tuesday.
Heather Barna was going to play even though she was pregnant but luckily she gave birth this past Monday while on a stair master. She stopped her routine briefly to let Steve wipe down the machine. Steve Barna somehow managed to grow short body hair over the winter and at this rate by next year’s Growler he will probably look like a chia pet.
Ray Gonzalez refused to give Rob anymore free cigars so Rob dropped him and picked up Glyn Jones who he is hoping will literally be his meal ticket. (Glyn is probably who Jason is going to make cry) They also picked up Pete Borgia but only because he has full bar and a club house for their victory party.
While Volleywood has some great talent they also may be the most mentally unbalanced and you can get in their heads easily. A good strategy would be to mention to Gary Caiola that his wife has a secret credit card or that Rob Rauth knows nothing about beer…. watch the wheels fall off.
Sand Diggers (3-0)
I’m guessing this team is Springdale’s 2nd best chance to bring the trophy back home. Despite Mike “loose cannon” Robbins the team is pretty stable. Mike’s playing coy but he wants this win bad. Dave Hall could quite possibly be the best player in the field this year. He took last year off from the Growler to devote more time to Facebooking (he has a sizable farm in Farmville) and to work on his manifesto but he still looks good. Steve Harms switched teams after he vowed never to play with “that bastard” (Greico) again and Steve’s serve can be dangerous. (rest of his game is crap) John Marks signed up for this team but that was before he found out about the $5.00 increase in the entrance fee. He is in negotiations with Mark but if he plays he is solid. Scott Carboni completely bailed as captain of his team to be the 9th man on this team. He’s not making friends but you have to appreciate his desire to win The Growler. John Dunn is listed as a member of this team although probably not contributing. Mark “flying squirrel” Williams will do more for this team giving them favorable bracket placements then he will on the sand. Susan Hackman played well enough but she looked tired probably from carrying her husband Brad.
Sets on the Beach (1-2)
I can only guess that this team assembled by Jay Daft is some sort of sample from the congregation at Jay and Jen’s rock-n-roll coffee church. We’ll know for sure if they are all wearing the same crucifix dog tags. This makes me nervous because I think they may be part of some sort of Jesus Army which is a lot like the Kiss Army but with better music and more makeup. This team is an unknown but if Jay’s performance is anything like that of Growlers past; Hilarity will ensue.
Good Bumps, Nice Sets (2-1)
Haleigh McCollum’s team is “stacked” with great players. What I’m trying to say is that they are “top heavy” with talent! They have an “enormous” chance to win this thing. I digress.
Team McCollum; any family that gets tattoos together should definitely be able to function as a single unbeatable unit. Unfortunately such is not the case. Although I’m sure Pam will run this team with the same dogged drive that she uses to track me down for bounced checks it simply will not be enough to overcome the mediocrity that is Good Bumps, Nice Sets. Count on Pam and Ed not talking for a few weeks after this but don’t count on them winning. Count on Blake Harms not wearing a shirt but don’t count on them winning.
The Mizfits (0-3)
The Mizfits at 0-3 is by far the largest team with a roster of 57 people and the only team with uniforms; pirate uniforms. I thought Becky Campbell looked like Keira Knightly in hers.
The Mizfits would absolutely win this thing if we were playing tennis or the dating game. As luck would have it the game this year is volleyball so they don’t have a snowballs chance in hell.
My wife would no sooner play in The Growler with me then she would marry me all over again but it’s good to see eight spouses on this team who have probably received professional advice that they should do more things as a couple.
Sober or not (it will be “not”) Jason Campbell is the strength on this team followed by Monica Henderson and her for once not injured husband (Is Dave getting younger? Has he had work done?). Mike “do you even want this job” Tadych may help but I doubt he will have time to show what with him being a new partner in his law firm and all.
Bunky, Bill and Dan Rea have all offered to get there early and set up the beer tent. Hence why you don’t see their wives names on this team. Dan Shaefer surprising left Tuesday night upright and without assistance.
Jay Cupstid looked like he spent most of the night running through a sprinkler. Jodi probably had to peel that shirt off him like a sticker.
A $100 bet on this team would net you somewhere in the range of being rich enough that you could get Bill Gates to mow your lawn.
Mojo Rising (1-2)
There are a few Growler veterans on this team and a lot of new players.
I would more likely bring my underage daughter to a Tijuana donkey show then let her play in the Growler but it’s good to see Doug Hampshire show a tremendous lack of judgment. AP Blake swept up Ray Gonzalez after he was booted by Rob Rauth and Ray would only play if they let Kyle in. I wish I would have known Ray in his prime I’ll bet he was a quite an athlete but that was a long time ago. If this team is AP’s best recruiting efforts I hope his wife has a very good job.
I’d Hit That (3-0)
Kaitlin Henderson Demby’s team.
There are some athletes on this team that make them a wild card. They are not used to losing. (Not including Brandon he seems to have come to terms with it) Kaitlin is a bit shy and demure which does not make for good volleyball and her husband Chad is from somewhere in New Jersey as close as I can tell by his accent and New Jerseytonians are not necessarily known for their great volleyball. But here they are undefeated after the first night. The Mabe’s must be carrying this team along with Jessica Kronen who I don’t know but I hear is an ace.
There are 5 players on this team who can win this! Unfortunately the entire team is probably going to want to play so their chances are slim until they change the rules and let you add whatever you drink to your final score. Then they would be unstoppable.
Dirt Devils (0-3)
Beth Farell is used to teaching preschoolers which may help her with this team. Bruce is a capable player who handles himself well but never quite up to his wife’s expectations. (It’s sad really)
As far as I can tell Manoj and his wife are ringers recruited by Beth in her attempt to side step any of the minimal rules the governing body of The Growler actually has. I like her style.
Tom Mills and his wife Lora; new comers to Springdale, spent their honeymoon playing at The Growler. That’s dedication and as far as I know a first.
Patrick still seems to be suffering from the intestinal bug that he caught at the Springdale Margarita party but he is rallying and Earl’s just in it for the beer. With an opening night record of 0-3 they are going to need a lot of managing to get them in shape for the final night.
Raleigh Brawl (2-1)
Take six guys united by their love of beer, joy of life and inability to satisfy a woman; add one ringer ex professional athlete and two woman who don’t mind settling and you have Raleigh Brawl. This is my team. I’m a reasonable man and this team has the ability to fluster any opponent but I find it unlikely that I will get an opportunity to hoist that magnificent hunk of wood and glass this year. Marty Kocurek could qualify for being disabled and Larry Essary has so much metal in him that he could legally be classified as a robot. (maybe a cyborg) Phil is the big story this year because he lost a bunch of weight on the “Lose Weight; be Miserable and Insufferable to Your Friends but Probably Live Longer Diet” (It’s a lot like Atkins) The only difference now is that he actually gets to balls he doesn’t hit. Ben Micham is a tremendous athlete and a wonderful human being; Salt of the Earth. (He’s currently doing my taxes; Pro Bono but he doesn’t know that yet) Chris Carrigan played with the anger and intensity that only a man with four mortgages and three daughters could play. Grant for some reason, thinks we asked him to play with us because of his ability. I know this because he showed up on Tuesday without his hot wife. (she was also a beer rep. at the time we first asked him) let’s just say I hope his game has a better showing on Tuesday. Our female players; Amber and TJ are formidable despite having names that you would more likely find on a high priced call girl. ( I said HIGH priced)
Well that’s one Tuesday night down. I would like to thank Mark Williams for making the final four Tuesdays of my summer unmemorable every year. I look forward to meeting you on the battlefield and above all let’s make sure we bring the Growler trophy home to Springdale.
*I’m obligated to say that the opinions expressed here are in no way the opinions of Marybeth Caulfield who made one bad decision 17 years ago and is still paying for it.